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Post Pull Depression - Summoner Wars

Hello and welcome to Post Pull Depression, the only thread that knows best Garnet is not long haired or short haired Garnet, but the Garnet that can’t talk.
Hey, it’s the two month delayed FF9 banner! Miracles can happen! That guy who does the banner guessing posts should be fired! At least that gave me plenty of time to replay FF9 since my reviews are the singular voice of this sub and you need to know what I think so you can think the same! Too bad I initially didn’t make it too far since it plays in 30 FPS. It only took about five minutes before I was profusely vomiting from 30 FPS sickness. Totally unplayable on PC, so I booted it up on the PS1 and since it doesn’t display FPS in the bottom left corner everything was fine! I was able to complete my 4th or 5th(?) playthrough!
FF9 is one of the few games that’s actually better played when you’re an adult. The themes of mortality, purpose in life, the amazing bond between Zidane and Vivi are all lost on bratty, angsty teenagers. Plus, there’s a peeing scene! What more can you ask for? Go replay it!
Now, before this gets delayed another 2 months, let’s take a look at the units!

Black Waltz 3Black Waltz 3 Lives Matter

Black Mage: Steroids
The Black Waltz are the early game bad guys who are sent to re-kidnap Garnet.
”I exist only to kill!”
Yeah, that’s the guy we should send to get the princess back. I see no problems here!
”I brought her back… in pieces…”
Presents Garnet’s severed head to Queen Brahm
Thus ends my FF9 guro fanfic. (Note: do not google image search guro at work, or at home, or anywhere really…)
Mist: LoL
Mist - Inflict poison and paralyze (100%) to all enemies
And we all know that the best PS1 rpg with mist is… Legend of Legaia! That game had fantastic fishing in it. We need a Legend of Legaia crossover! And a Legend of the River King one too! You all got your doggo, let me have a 5* river king flopping around Magikarp style. It’s been awhile since I’ve done a list, here’s the best JRPG fishing:
I just heard that Stardew Valley has good fishing. IS THIS TRUE!? I’ve never felt like playing “knockoff” Harvest Moon, but if the fishing is great, then I’ll do it. Also, I’m looking for a good cell phone fishing game (already tried A Girl Adrift) tell me if you know one. Also, tell me how I went from Black Waltz 3 to fishing, stream of consciousness is a crazy thing.
Black Impulse: +20% MAG & +25% Fire/Ice/Thunder Resist
For when your magic tank also needs to do magic damage! Let me do a little cross-referencing here… [units that benefit from MAG] intersect [units that benefit from element resist] = []. Oh, shoot it’s that damn empty set again...


A five star max unit is a slap in the face at this point in the game… is what I want to say. But let’s be real here… if Bee Dubs 3 could go to 6* would anyone use him? No. So let’s just pretend he’s a 3* max unit because no one will level him anyways to find out.


Comic: Relief
Every game needs its comic relief character! Oh wait that’s Quina… what the hell does Steiner do then? Or does that mean Quina is not a comic relief character? Maybe s/he is the entire point of FF9? THIS CHANGES EVERYTHING!
Steiner > Beatrix
When he was 23, he dueled with Alexandria's best swordsman, Beatrix, and won due to sheer luck.
Wow! I did not know that! Be grateful those of you who don’t pull Beatrix but get Steiner instead! Lucky you!
Skills: One
Oh! He has multiple skills that start with “Sword Art!”
Sword Art - Thunder Sword Physical damage (3x) to one enemy Decrease lightning resistance (50%) for 3 turns to one enemy
Sword Art - Stock Break Physical damage (2x) to all enemies Decrease DEF/SPR (40%) for 3 turns to all enemies
Sword Art - Shock Physical damage (2x) with ignore DEF (50%) to one enemy
Sweet! So I’m sure he learns W-Sword Art, right? Right? WRONG! Way to set the standard and then not follow it...
Excalibur II - 130 ATK Light Element Greatsword
Excalibur TWO? This needs some ‘splaining!
Oshiete TomAto-sensei!
Excalibur II is obtained by reaching the final dungeon of the game within 12 hrs! That’s right, you have to go all the way through the game super quick, oh and FMV times count which is closer to a full hour than not!
FF9 Excalibur I Stats:
It provides 77 Attack, its element is Holy, and teaches Climhazzard.
FF9 Excalibur II Stats:
It has an attack power of 108, its element is Holy, and teaches Minus Strike, Climhazzard, and Stock Break.
Totally worth ruining your entire playthrough for!
LB: Vivi
Flare Sword - Physical damage (4.7x) with ignore DEF (50%) to one enemy
I already posted this in Lowered Expectations aka Pre-Pull Depression, but here’s Steiner summoning Vivi in his LB. Figured I’d post it for you since no one will actually put Rusty in their party.
Regret: HIGH
Fuck you Beer Steiner for making me pull for you just to get 10 more ATK on my Orlandu. The only thing that could get me to lower this is if you had fantastic Yoshitaka Amano artwork, but I don’t see something that specific ever happen-- oh… ok that’s pretty badass. Fine. MEDIUM.

EikoProject Eiko

Loli: S
Finally this game is playable now that we have BS Sakura and Eiko. Soon Kid Rydia soon… We all know why Kid Rydia is more powerful than Adult Rydia. The Power of Loli! Please read that like the Power of Greyskull. Also, I’m counting this as my 80’s song for this PPD. Also, I will probably reuse this joke when I do the actual PPD for Kid Rydia’s banner.
Skills: Bit
Crypto Performance - Heal (1000 HP, 10x) to all allies Increase evocation gauge (1-3)
Really, cryptocurrency has to appear here too? What next? A special 5* guaranteed bitcoin summon?
TMR: Flute
Angel Flute - Harp 10 ATK, 48 MAG, 98 SPR, HP +10%
What other flute does she play? No! Not that you sickos! Jesus Christ she’s like 6 yrs old! I was talking about Golem’s Flute, Lamia’s Flute and Siren’s Flute. You people should be ashamed of yourselves!
Summon: Any
Summoner's Horn - Can summon Espers equipped by other allies
This horny little girl… goddammit I said stop that! She literally has a horn! Anyways, this girl WITH A HORN can summon any party member’s esper. Freeing up Bahamut for your damage dealers, or Carbuncle reflect shenanigans etc. Why goomie also gave this to 6* Garnet the day before they released Eiko is beyond me, but thank you!

Regret: LOW

Her 7* form pushes her more toward healing: AoE revive, HP Barriers and AoE MP regen. Combined with her previous kit that makes her an extremely viable healer. Sadly no reraise though. Oh and she’s a loli, so that pretty much gets her an automatic LOW at worst.

BeatrixBeatrix Did Nothing Everything Wrong

Earth Shrine: Hero
Finally we get a unit that’s custom made for the Earth Shrine! Is there any other character in FF history with more rat killing experience? #Burmecia #WarCriminal
Eye: Patch
Is Beatrix the one who started the whole girls with eyepatches thing? I am a man of many fetishes, but I have never gotten this one. I sorta get the bandaged girl thing which occasionally overlaps with eyepatches (Rei Ayanami) and the whole forbidden power eyepatch (Megumin aka best girl), but just straight up eyepatch? No thanks.
Seiken: Densetsu?
Seiken - Shock: Physical damage (2.65x) with ignore DEF (50%) to one enemy
I just saw Seiken! SEIKEN! Are we getting the Seiken Densetsu 3 collab? No? Don’t tell me seiken is just some super common anime term that means holy sword or something… oh it does… sigh… well at least unlike Rusty she can W-Seiken, right? Right? WRONG AGAIN! As long as DW doesn’t screw up her chaining I guess she’s… oh shit it does, doesn’t it? Hey goomie, if you fix her chaining in GL on her release, guess what? People will pull for her! It’s in all our best interests if you don’t release broken units!
Save the Queen - Greatsword +135 ATK, +25% LB Fill Rate, Resist Fire(30%)
Save the Queen, huh? How’d that work out for you Bea? I guess you and Agrias can go hang out with your failed swords. Maybe start a club? The “I Let My Queen Die And Now Have a Misnamed Sword” Club? We can work on the name...

Regret: MEDIUM (eventually LOW)

If it makes you Beatrix lovers feel better (weirdos) eventually Beatrix becomes great. Her enhancements fix her wonky chaining and her 7* form adds a ridiculous 4200% hybrid attack. Until then though just listen to this fantastic rendition of her theme. I think I may be allergic to this song as it makes my eyes water. Very weird how allergies work.

Post Pull Depression

Did I mention that FF9 is a very good game? Definitely grab the Steam port (unlike CT) and make sure to turn off the FPS counter (so you don’t get ill). I recommend playing with the boosters that max out your abilities as soon as you get the weapon for it (this gives you all Blue Magic immediately though…) and max out your gil too! Also, when you get sick of fighting just turn off random encounters! Oh, and when you’re close enough to the end just set all your character to level 99 and breeze right through it! I don’t know what impact this would have on a first playthrough, but it’s a godsend for the working man who has a stack of games to get through! Just be sure not to play too long or you’ll get cancer!
Don’t forget to check out ET’s full banner review here. Whoops wrong link, but too funny to change it. Here is the correct one. He dropped the letter ranking so now I have to read what he actually wrote before I go tell him how wrong he is in the comments. I don’t approve of this change… Hey Meme’s still posting on reddit too! Here’s his Eiko review. Most people give up by now! How long will he last? And in the eleventh hour the Beatrix review gets posted, so that too now gets the PPD bump.
And now I’ll leave--
You stand before the final dimension, and I am the darkness of eternity…
Huh? Oh shit, is that you Necron? What are you doing here?
All life bears death from birth. Life fears death, but lives only to die. It starts with anxiety. Anxiety becomes fear. Fear leads to anger... anger leads to hate... hate leads to suffering... The only cure for this fear is total destruction.
Ok, first you can’t just randomly pop up at the end of things. Second, you stole part of that from Yoda.
...Now, the theory is undeniable. All things live to perish. At last, life has uncovered this truth. Now, it is time to end this world.
Yeah.. have you tried posting on im14andthisisdeep?
I exist for one purpose... To return everything back to the zero world, where there is no life and no crystal to give life. In a world of nothing, fear does not exist. This is the world that all life desires.
Yeah, yeah, whatever. See ya next banner!
submitted by TomAto314 to FFBraveExvius [link] [comments]

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